FLATULATION – An analysis between men and women

If you read and enjoyed my I am an Idiot post, I hope this one will follow suit.

In this post I am going to try my best to offer a woman’s view on the basic differences between men and women.  It is not so much a “Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars” kind of thing.  It is more like a “Women are from Venus, Men are not Even in the Same Galaxy” kind of thing.

In order to make my point, and to keep the subject matter “male” enough to keep the fellas interested, I am going to offer my arguments and observations based on that most controversial subject of the FART.

Yup, the fart can explain a lot about the differences between men and women.  Some points are blatantly obvious, others are more subtle, but this example of the ‘passing of gas’ will allow me to explain how (not why) men are so different from women.

It is a wonder to me that medical science has shown that it all comes down to one little chromosome.  Having said that, it does make a certain amount of sense that men are allotted the lone “Y” chromosome, because that is what they leave us asking.  Why?  Why, why why???  But is it really true that but for this one little chromosome, I would be more aligned with the fart as a comedic tool?  Really?  It hardly seems possible.  What is the deal with that?

And so, imagine a family sitting around a kitchen table sharing a beautiful meal and sharing news of the day.  I have come to the conclusion that men’s digestive systems must work on a different level than women’s, because I live with 3 boys (one I call my hubby) and not one of them seems to be able to control these gaseous expulsions.  We have wooden chairs that seem to echo the fact that one of them happened to let a squeaker out.  Adding volume from the reverberations off the wooden chair, this fart takes on a life of its own.  There is no hope of “covering up” the faux pas.  In fact, to my 3 companions there is no thought that an offense has been committed.  There is simply a large and boisterous reaction of hilarity.

Now, if this offense was committed by one of the two boys, there seems to be nothing more than sound.  But if hubby was the offending party, there is an immediate need to evacuate the premises.  All their laughing and carrying on makes this necessity quite difficult indeed.  Apparently to these carriers of the “Y”, there is nothing funnier that a real good loud ripper.  I seem to be gasping for air, while hubby takes a big whiff and proudly explains, “Mmmmm, Italian sausage”.  What is the deal with that?

You see, to women, if we are caught being the origin of the fart, it is an embarrassing situation.   Men have quite the opposite reaction.  I recall being at a party with my other half, when suddenly the entire population at the party was scrambling to get to the open patio doors.  Someone had let out a “silent killer”.  It almost made me retch.  As I joined the masses scrambling for a breath of fresh air, I noticed an oddly satisfying grin on the face of my soon-to-be hubby.  He was not appalled that he had cleared the room with this deadly release of gas.  I examined his face and recognized a inexplicable look of pride.  If a woman had been the room-clearer, she would have died of embarrassment.  To my guy, it was a badge of honor.  He spent the rest of the evening reveling in the accolades of his male companions, while I spent the night receiving words of condolence and words of encouragement from my female friends.  While he was being told “That was even better than John’s blast at the summer BBQ”, I was being told “Well, he still has good earning potential”.

I recognized the full extent of differences in the matter of farts, when my two boys explained to me that one could die from holding a fart in. DIE?!?  Who taught them this?  Have they been spending too much time with their father, or does the Y chromosome come with this body of skewed and irrevocable knowledge?

The fart, to a woman, is something that we know will occasionally happen to all of us, is a bodily function that can and should be controlled.  It is much the same as the urge or need to pee.  We can hold it in until we are in an appropriate location.  To men, holding in a fart is not only the path to death, it would be a lost comedic opportunity.  To fart is to laugh and to create laughter and joy.  To women, there is no joy in public farting.

To men, the more offensive the fart, the more memorable the moment.  We have two dogs that seem to have digestive reactions to any alteration to their diets.  And there are always alterations to their diets because they can open our kitchen cupboards.  These two mutts can even pull out some negative comments from my three boys, leaving one to wonder how they can possibly wag their tails when their guts have been liquified.  We even had one dog who liked to reach back and take a good whiff when he let one rip.  You could tell when you needed to run from the room by the level of vigour to the ensuing tail wag.  But, I find it odd that my three boys, who will laugh their way through the worst of the human farts, do not have the same immunity for the canine passing of gas.  What is the deal with that?

The sheer volume of material on the fart found on the world wide web, is in itself a statement of homage to all things male.  I did not research it, but I am pretty sure it was a guy who invented the whoopee cushion.  With equal assurance, I would bet it was a woman who invented bubble bath.  I even found a blog dedicated to all things fart.  It was titled FartsRfun, and I am sure authored by a Y chromosome holder.

Our reaction to the fart is very different with men and women.  I suppose there are some men out there who might take offense to the fart.  My guess is that Stephen Harper might not fall off his seat laughing at his own fart, and I do have one female friend who refuses to hold back at all when she feels the need to pass gas, but as a generality, our reaction to the fart is very different depending upon our gender.  And these same differences in reaction to the fart says a whole lot about the differences between men and women.  I would sum it up quite simply.  Women revere the sun; men compete with it for gaseous eruptions.


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